I don't always have a ton of time to journal, but I thought writing a few thoughts here on my blog will capture some of my world. So here I will process and share - for hope in the moment and in the future.
Everywhere I go, I am captured by images of light. And lately the image of a light shining in a dark place has symbolized my life.
This past year has been the most difficult of my life and has seemed very dark. My husband has been ill with Crohn's disease for a long time, and after Christmas last year became unable to function in normal life with the pain. We decided he would have surgery in February which was successful (some major emotional moments, maybe I'll write about sometime) but the road to recovery has been long and disappointing. We went away this summer on a job project across the country. There were many fun, exciting moments, but many days filled with the stress of a new job, new place to live, relationships, complete exhaustion, and still struggling with his health. Near the end of our trip, we found out he has further health complications (hypothyroidism and anemia) which has sent us again into a loop of trying to figure out how to manage symptoms and treatment.
Now that we are back home, I am finding the stress of the summer still working its way out. Our 2 children did not cope well with the summer and are still running in stress mode. I want to be kind and gentle, to nurture and teach - which is a great task without the other challenges in our life, let alone with them.
Last week I started feeling a strange numbness in my toes and it has gradually moved up my legs. After some blood work this week, a number of things were ruled out - no diabetes, vitamin deficiency, or Lyme disease. Next is to have a nerve conductivity test done to see if it is nerve related. I'm finding it difficult to walk as I can feel pressure but my legs from the knees down and feet are completely numb. I have to admit this shakes me to my core and I'm afraid of what it could be. It is easy to take for granted the simple things in life- like being able to walk - and then one day have it gone. I'm going to seek out some other help too to try to figure this out. I'm trying not to let my heart wonder about the what if's...but I find myself in quiet moments breaking down to tears thinking of what my future might be like, especially with my kids, if it is something serious.
Yet in the midst of the dark days, I sense glimmers of hope. I can think of so many times in the last year when it seemed I'd run out of hope and then a light would come...a stack of encouragement emails in the hospital when he and I were crying holding hands trying to get through the pain, a song with words expressing my emotions, boxes of meals from friends when I felt I didn't have the strength to cook dinner one more time, a phone call from my mom telling me how much she loves me (and her and my dad hopping on a plane to come help), a kind letter from a friend speaking words into my heart (with a starbucks card for a treat:)), the calming voice of an old friend chatting late into the night, a prayer with a new friend who expressed all the things my heart wanted to say but didn't have the words to, and most of all the gentle whispers of God's voice in my ear, "I love you, I know where you are, and I am with you in the joys and in the pain."
Right now I can only see one candle in my room. It still seems dark, but I can feel it's warmth and it lights up my room enough to see what's in front of me. For now, that's what I'll focus on.
No comments:
Post a Comment