Good

A little bit of kindness goes a long way.  My nurses in the hospital were kind. One nurse in particular seemed to read not only what my body needed, but also my heart.

I had to spend a week in the hospital trying to figure out what was happening in my body. In order to rule out some possible causes of the numbness and loss of function from my waist down, my doctor ordered a Lumbar Puncture.  Cerebral Spinal Fluid analysis could tell us some missing puzzle pieces of information.

The procedure didn't go well.  It was one of the most frightening and painful experiences of my life. My husband was amazingly supportive and helped me hold still and explain to me what was going on.  But after numerous attempts, the pain and stress were so intense for me that we decided to call in my nurse to help.

She came down to my level, held my hand, looked me in the eye and told me I could do it.  She helped me breathe. She told me what was happening.  And, when the puncture finally took and the fluid was dripping into the little holder things (I couldn't actually see, only feel, so I can only guess on what exactly everything looked like) she told me it was going to be over soon.

What made her a good nurse? 
It wasn't that she took the pain away. In fact, sometimes she caused me more pain (blood sugar test 2x a day, drawing ump-tine viles of blood for tests, connecting my IV, stinging blood thinner shots greeted me in the morning and at bed time), come to think of it, often she caused me a lot of pain. 

It wasn't that she brought me good gifts.  No chocolate or teddy bears. No flowers.  (Other friends filled in on those ones:)) 

She was a good nurse because she was there for me when I most needed her. When I felt like my body was going way out of whack I could page her and she would come to me.  When I felt like I just couldn't take one more thing, she was there with me.  She was such a good nurse because she was just there with me and for me.

I've come back to this many times in how it relates to my spiritual life.  What does it mean to believe in a God who is good?  How is God good to me and my family when so many things that are happening to us seem bad?

I've always thought about God being good because He gives me good things (which is true).  But what about when the things in my life don't seem to fall into the "this is a good gift" category - or at least don't feel that way?

Or what about when God doesn't take the pain or the situation away?  How is God good then?

I've now experienced God's goodness in a new way.  Like the nurse who was good because she was there experiencing life with me, God is there with me in the pain.  Sometimes I can feel God near, and sometimes it seems God is far away, but no matter how I'm feeling I know God is there because God promises He will never leave me (I cling to Psalm 139 and Matthew 28:20).  He is with me and He is for me. I trust that.  It's not easy. This path is hard and painful.  But I'm not alone.  We are walking this journey together. 

And right now, it's not about God giving me good things or taking things away,  it's that I get to experience God with me now. Where I am.  And He loves me right here. In the middle of the pain. In the middle of no answers. In the middle of my questions.  God is here with me and that's what I need.